Forgiveness is hard. Scratch that, forgiveness is really hard. 

It’s easier to remain angry or hold a grudge than make peace with the past. It feels scary and unsafe to do the thing that is actually healthiest for us. But when we don’t forgive, what often happens is we live through the lens of previous experiences. And that only compounds over time. 

Forgiveness literally means “to give forward.” When we carry all of these past hurts and feelings, they prevent us from being fully present in our lives. 

In my life, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the past. I’ve fantasized about making different choices and wished that I could go back in time and change something. I’ve berated myself for saying and doing things. Put simply, I’ve been very unkind to myself. Put not so simply, I put myself in shackles and kicked the keys out of reach.

All of that has kept me simmering in the past and going into situations with a negative mindset, which has only led to similar events happening. When I spend time living in the past, that manifests as my present and future. But that doesn’t have to be what my present and future holds. 

It’s possible to walk from the darkness into the light, even if it’s scary. 

My Story with Forgiveness

In early February 2018, I taught a vinyasa yoga class. It was a snowy night, and I stepped on the train to head home. I started to play a game on my iPad, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital.

Without saying anything to me, a man knocked me unconscious and stole all of my stuff. My face was bruised and I had a handful of staples on the back of my head. The experience was extremely jarring. 

I blamed myself for getting on that particular train car and not paying attention to my surroundings. I blamed my attacker for mugging me. 

In the months following the attack, I struggled with feeling safe. I rode the train again, though this time I was extra alert. I remember I saw someone using their iPad on the train, and I told them to be careful. Additionally, I gained 50 pounds. I ate as a way to cultivate a feeling of safety. 

I spent so much time replaying that night in my head. Why didn’t I just get on another train car? What if I missed that train and took the next one? Why did this happen to me?

I couldn’t forgive myself. And I couldn’t forgive him, either. I had an unsettling feeling in my stomach for months. I had zero reason to forgive him. 

Not forgiving certainly didn’t look pretty. I was anxious all the time, I had trouble focusing, I felt helpless as I continued to gain weight, and I felt so heavy emotionally and physically. It felt like things were compounding every single day.

I wish I could remember a specific moment when I decided to forgive, but it just got to a point where it was too painful to not forgive. Also, therapy, journaling, yoga, and time certainly helped.

I understand that everyone has their own stories and chances are, when people do something hurtful, they are acting from a place of pain. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that I condone what he did. It wasn’t ok. However, forgiveness is the choice to move forward into the present moment. I made the conscious choice to move forward for my health and me.

I didn’t do anything wrong. Not paying attention to my surroundings doesn’t give someone permission to hurt me. I can choose to learn from the experience and be kind to myself.

Now, when I ride the train, I listen to music sometimes and I’m not as hyper-vigilant as I was before. Additionally, as I developed a sense of internal safety, I lost 40 pounds.

The Evolutionary Roots of Safety and Risk

When approaching new and scary situations, it can be easy to just avoid them. It’s our default programming. This has its roots in evolution. The reptilian part of the brain is associated with the instinctive reactions of fight or flight (AKA how to keep you safe and not die).

This is why it can feel safe to not forgive. There’s a deeply rooted part of your being that wants to keep you safe. It sees forgiveness or the unknown as unsafe. The reptilian brain’s response to stress and uncertainty was formed thousands of years ago. This was at a time when there were immediate dangers that needed to be dealt with immediately, like a wild animal coming toward you.

The fact is, it’s important to have this part of the brain working when we are in literal life and death situations. However, in our modern world, it’s more likely that we experience stress/anxiety about work or family rather than the immediacy of dealing with a tiger.

In modern life, most people experience a low-level of stress over a long-term amount of time. There’s just a baseline level of stress. According to The American Institute of Stress, 73% of people experience stress that impacts their mental health. 

When we experience stress, the sympathetic nervous system is at work in our bodies. It is associated with the flight or fight response. Since the stress is continuous, there isn’t the opportunity to shift into the parasympathetic nervous system (or what is referred to as the rest and digest system.)

Ideally, for healthy functioning, a person should be able to switch between the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. An example of this would be going to work and then being able to chill out and relax in the evening.

When the sympathetic nervous system has been working overtime, there isn’t the opportunity to rest and relax. I’ve found that the practices that help me cultivate a safe space also activate my parasympathetic nervous system. These are essential self-care practices.

The Everyday Forgiveness Journey

My forgiveness—or my journey of moving into the present—isn’t perfect. I’m not all there. There are parts of my life that pull me into the past. And that’s OK. It’s a process. I think that everyday life is a continual journey and exploration of forgiveness. 

How can we acknowledge the past without letting it define us? How can we be fully focused on what another person is saying rather than what we’re going to say or what we’re going to have for lunch? How do we safely express our vulnerabilities and the core of who we are?

It’s simple: practice.

I’ve learned that it’s better to forgive earlier than let it get to the point where it’s unbearable. There are always lessons in the forgiveness journey.

I cultivate safety through self-care practices (and forgive myself when I don’t make it), and I trust in the power of the present moment. Three steps forward and one step back is still progress.