I auditioned for my college’s improv group every year I was there—and I never made the cut. I remember taking an improv workshop in college and feeling so awkward (not in an endearing way) and saying “I’m sorry” multiple times. But still, there was something about improv that lingered in my brain.

For years, as each new term came up for an improv class, I told myself that I would start next term. Finally, in 2017, I took my first post-college improv class, which, helpfully, was specifically designed for people with anxiety. It was difficult at times (you know, that why-didn’t-I-understand-that-thing-that-means-I’m-not-normal-and-stupid-right and what-should-I-say and why-did-I-say-that rumination), though ultimately it was supportive.

Over the past 8 years, I’ve completed improv programs at Second City, the Annoyance, iO, and the Home Theater. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:

Improv is a spiritual practice

I think of improv as a spiritual practice. Just like in meditation and yoga, it’s helpful to be in the present moment and trust that everything will work out (and maybe it will work out in a way that you’re not expecting.) Maybe a team member will bring a “mistake” into something that wraps the show up in a beautiful way. Or maybe it ends up being a shitty show and you feel terrible. Which brings me to my next point…

You gotta forgive yourself

I’ve spent a fair amount of time ruminating after a class or show, wishing I did something different. (Like why didn’t I notice that? I should’ve continued that pattern. Oh, I could’ve connected that thing or made that move.) Earlier, there were times when I’d be bothered by a bad show for days. I craved someone else reassuring me. But, over time, I’ve been able to cultivate a sense of peace around it within myself.

A few months back, I felt badly about my performance in an improv class while on the bus ride back to my apartment. I recognized my desire for validation, and almost by magic—I mean, I think it came because of the self-development work I’ve done—a masculine part of me started reassuring me. I was able to give myself the validation and affirmation and support I craved from another. Then, when I got off the bus, my energy had totally shifted. It was a really beautiful thing.

Growth is rarely linear

This is something I’ve been learning (and re-learning) in lots of areas of my life. Sometimes (perhaps even often) you gotta get worse before you get better. Sometimes you have to sit with material for a bit before you really get it. Sometimes you have to hear the material in a different way to get it. Sometimes you just gotta have 3 sentences for a pattern.

I’ve been working on finding peace and compassion with myself as I grow…with 1 step forward, 3 steps back, 2 steps forward, 5 steps back, ad infinitum.